"WITH THE BIRTH OF THE ARTIST,
CAME THE INEVITABLE AFTERBIRTH...
...THE CRITIC!"
- ORSON WELLS (NARRATOR)
HISTORY OF THE WORLD PART 1
INTRODUCING THE CRITICS...
* AZJAY * - ARTISTIC FILMS (AND HOST)
A rather flamboyant, arrogant, and obnoxious gay film director. Azjay hates his fellow critics and has no fears showing it. Then again, the cast don't mind making their harsh feelings towards him known either. After being punished and forced from his original project to take over as host of this show, (which he feels is a waste of his talents), he makes his displeasure known every opportunity he gets and it doesn't matter to him who he lashes out at. This often results in everyone trying to sabotage him in return.
"Oh! So apparantly you're the critic now?!" - Azjay |
* LEGIONARY HEPATITUS * - HISTORICAL FILMS
Legionary Hepatitus was considered a God by his people for single handedly preventing their enemies from overflowing their sewer system into the city. He celebrated by enjoying midnight orgies with the Dominatrix, Mistress Tara Cherry who he often reminisces with. Despite his sexual nature, he finds Princess Anita Mandolay disgusting but is willing to give her a pity lay because she is so desperate. Unfortunately for her, Hepatitus is the only man on the planet she has no interest in which is the direct opposite of no man having any interest in her. Hepatitus also always finds himself at odds with General Harry R. M. Pitz who always seems to have his facts and strategies backwards and often gives out terrible strategic advice.
"The Gods are pleased with my decision to give it a shit and I look forward to being rewarded for my loyalty". - Legionary Hepatitus |
* MISTRESS TARA CHERRY * - DOWNRIGHT NASTY Porn
Mistress Tara Cherry, also known as Ma'am to her fellow cast mates (and playmates) is a huge, HUGE fan of, well, huge, huge things... as well as porn. Having starred in some herself, she seems to take her "position" the most serious. Studying porn intently for what seems like hours on end with amazing focus and concentration. She even rewatches scenes over and over again! What a trooper! Clearly she is studying all aspects of the productions. Everything from lighting, to set dressing, costumes (or lack thereof), scripts, and of course the most important element, sound effects. She is extremely devoted to her "art" and is always willing to lend a hand (or two) to get any "job" done right.
"Midget hooker with machine gun... Classic!" - Mistress Tara Cherry |
* HANNA BELLE HECTOR * - GORE & SUSPENSE FILMS
Hanna Belle has always needed a good thrill to get off. On her very first date, she tied up and blindfolded her boyfriend. Unfortunately for him, she proceeded to knock him into a wood chipper and once she saw the resulting mess, it was love at first SPLAT! Of course due to her cannibalistic lust for death and dismemberment, she quickly found herself at the insane asylum. Due to her short attention span, we know that if she is enthralled with a particular film, the gore factor must be realistically good or she'd just zone out and lose interest. Hanna Belle also admires Mistress Tara Cherry's control at administering sensual pain without killing her subjects. Something Hanna Belle can't seem to master due to her lack of self control.
"I don't like eating vegetables. They're too hard to get out of wheelchairs!" - Hanna Belle Hector |
* GENERAL HARRY R. M. PITZ * - WAR FILMS
The General always looks at things from a strategic standpoint and believes he's always right (at least in his mind). He often ends up talking nonsense and seems to do things just a little off which confuses everyone else. He also tends to be at odds with Legionary Hepatitus and Doctor Kent C. Strait who look at things from a more accurate perspective which the General just does not seem to get, leaving us wondering... How the hell did he ever get to become a General???
"I think the gun is jammed. Let me take a better look...." - General Harry R. M. Pitz |
* PRINCESS ANITA MANDOLAY * - FANTASY & ROMANCE
Princess Anita Mandolay is a former fairy tale princess who's day has come and gone. Desperate for any affection at all (which she just can't seem to get from ANYONE), she's prone to crying and throwing hissy fits. She is bitter rivals with the Dominatrix and the Drag Queen because In her mind, if a pervert and a guy dressed as a woman can get more men than she can, they must have found a way to steal them away from her before she got the chance to have them.
"Hmmm... Maybe if I got a third boob I'd attract men?" - Princess Anita Mandolay |
* DOCTOR KENT C. STRAIT * - SCIENCE FICTION FILMS
This eccentrically creepy doctor likes to look at things from a scientific point of view. He manages to mix just enough scientific fact with common terminology to allow us to understand what the hell he's talking about... Unfortunately.
Despite his obsessions and caring nature (especially towards all things dead), he is continuously creeped out and always trying to fight off Azjay's advances. "Ze only time I've ever seen zat phenomenon happen was when someone desperately needs to take a shit!" - Doctor Kent C. Strait |
* MORA VAMANN * - ALTERNATIVE FILMS & MUSICALS
Mora VaMann is... Classy, yeah... Let's go with that! She has a lot of sass and can be just downright cruel when she wants to be. Specifically, she loves to flaunt that she can have any man she wants despite often dropping hints that she may be a man herself. This also infuriates the Princess who she especially loves to torment on purpose.
"I've already had dozens... Hundreds... Maybe even thousands!" - Mora VaMann |
* EX-KGB AGENT URICH HUNT * - ACTION, SPY, & MYSTERY
He'd like us to think that he's an ex-KGB spy, but in reality the only ex he is, is to his dead wife. Paranoid and suspicious of everyone (which is his nature), something about the Mistress bothers him but he can't quite figure it out. He especially hates other spies for the fact that they get all the beautiful women and the glory, while he has to remain in the shadows and get the leftovers.
"Su'ka!" - Ex-KGB Agent Urich Hunt |
* EXECUTIONER CRAVEN MOORHEAD * - HORROR FILMS
OTHER CAST...
*DEATH * - DEATH
* RUSTY (DUANE) PIPES * - CO-HOST
Rusty is never seen on the show, only heard off screen. He co-hosts with Azjay and it's clear that they don't get along. While Rusty is not in charge of the show, he definitely has a lot of control over it and tends to make Azjay's life a living hell (much to everyone else's enjoyment).
"Not the shit 2012 total remake. We're talking about the orignal 1990's shit version.'
- Rusty Pipes
"Not the shit 2012 total remake. We're talking about the orignal 1990's shit version.'
- Rusty Pipes